Jessie Dwiggins’ Story:
My relationship with food has only recently become healthy. It has been my experience with yoga and mindful eating that has evolved my dysfunctional perspective of food and self-image to a positive, vibrant outlook to eating and living. I share this story, not to elicit sympathy, but to describe the experience that has led me to be so passionate about teaching yoga and mindful-eating.
My journey begun when I was young, as is the case, unfortunately, with many girls and young women today. I was overweight as a child and pre-teen. My mother always provided nutritious food but I wasn’t very active. I knew I needed to change when, as part of a school video project; I needed baggy pants and went into my father’s closet for a pair of jeans. They didn’t fit. I stepped on the bathroom scale and was shocked. I expressed my frustration to my Mother, found a diet in Teen magazine, and I set out to lose weight. I did, 35 pounds. But in the process I established rigid, restrictive eating patterns.
My interest in studying nutrition began as I was reading and learning about weight loss. I was exercising excessively and began bargaining with myself to overeat. I have to point out that my Mother kept close watch over my eating and exercising habits and read a lot of information about nutrition. She eventually expressed concern and I conceded that I was having difficulty with my body image and felt obsessive about eating and exercise. My parents found a therapist and I was diagnosed with and treated for Body Dismorphic Disorder (BDD).
I temporarily found relief from my struggle with food when I moved to Colorado to attend Colorado State University. I rescued a dog, which was irresponsible for freshman in college; however, I believe that she was integral in my recovery from BDD. I was able to redirect my attention away from myself and my body image and onto her care and wellbeing. We walked or hiked daily, a decrease in exercise for me but still plenty to keep me fit, she relaxed me, and I started practicing yoga. It was respite from my constant struggle with food.
Then, as a senior in college, I started experiencing regular panic attacks and was put on medication to manage them. I gained about 25 lbs in 6 months, despite no changes in eating and exercising habits, but my doctor was not convinced it was a result of the medication. In order to prove him wrong, I diligently measured and tracked my food intake, maintained 1300-1500 calories/day and exercised compulsively. I was back in a restrictive eating and exercise pattern and not losing weight.
I maintained this pattern after graduating college and working a “real” job for 3 years. I was exhausting! Eventually, I grew tired of constantly trying to control my weight without seeing results. I needed a different solution. I needed to explore the roots of my eating behaviors and my struggle with body image. I did this in an intensive Forrest yoga teacher training that I participated in. For 30 days, 8 hours per day, I lived and breathed yoga. Ana Forrest, a pioneer in the yoga community and recovered from years of eating disorder, helped me to understand eating in a way that fuels my body and to appreciate my body’s potential.
Once the training was over, I maintained this perspective, however, after a while working fulltime as a Wellness Coach and attending graduate school, I noticed myself becoming disconnected from my regular practice of mindful behaviors. I needed to re-center. I found “Am I Hungry?” through my graduate thesis work studying mindful eating. The material presented in the workshops just made sense, the solution that I had been searching for since high school, which, ironically, has been inside me all along. And, without intending to, I lost 15 pounds.
I have since completed my graduate degree in nutrition and become a licensed Am I Hungry? facilitator in addition to teaching yoga. My relationship with food is still evolving and I expect it always will. The difference now is that it will grow and change in a healthy way. Best said by the Buddha, “As long as were facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep walking.”
